One year ago yesterday I started this blog and one year ago today I moved to New Hampshire for my dietetic internship.
So much has changed in a year.
At this time last year, I wrote a blog about living in the transition and as fate would have it, I’m in the same position again. I’m living in the transition between the end of my internship and the beginning of whatever is coming next.
Since last year when I started this blog, I have….
Started my dietetic internship.
Finished my dietetic internship.
Become a Registered Dietitian.
Started the recovery process.
Discovered (and joined) the body positive community.
Started a recovery Instagram and gained a lot of friends and support that way.
Found the things I’m really passionate about like sustainable food systems, food security, eating disorder recovery, body positivity, the Health at Every Size movement and so much more.
Moved back home (which isn’t as sad as it sounds because my parents are super cool).
Strengthened the relationships in my life.
Gained a whole lot of happiness.
I thought I was recovered last year, really, I did. I thought that I was recovered as I was going to get. I thought I was just going to be the kind of person who would always have to carefully watch what she eats. I couldn’t even imagine a time where I would not have to run every day. I couldn’t imagine a time where I didn’t feel guilt after eating. I couldn’t imagine a time where the goal wasn’t to eat as little as possible. I was stuck in a quasi-recovery without even realizing it.
Last year at this time, I isolated myself because hanging out with friends usually meant food or drinks or skipping workouts and all those things scared me. I was exhausted all the time, I was grumpy, I was irritable, I cried most days of the week. And the saddest part of all was that I was going to accept that as the way my life was going to be.
In the fall, I went through rotations at a dining hall, I taught health classes to elementary school kids, I worked at the NH Food bank. I was exhausted all the time, I was working a lot, not eating nearly enough and running myself into the ground at the gym every night. I cried on the way to work in the morning and I cried on my way home at night.
This spring, as I’ve shared before, I started recovery from anorexia and I’m happy to say I haven’t turned back. The road to recovery is bumpy and I struggle at times, but it is so much better than the alternative.
My life was heavy at this time last year. I was weighed down by shame, anxiety, guilt, insecurity. These days, my being is filled with an inexplicable lightness. It’s a new feeling, one that I haven’t felt in years. One I welcome with open arms. I laugh more. I cry less. I’m less scared of everything. I have better relationships with people. I have a better relationship with my boyfriend. I’m less anxious. I wake up grateful in the morning and I go to bed grateful at night.
I’m so thankful for my life, for the progress I’m made and for the people who continue to read this blog and follow along on my journey. I’m thankful for all the people who reach out to me, whether it’s to ask advice or to tell me that I’m an inspiration (something that humbles me every time someone says it). I can’t thank you all enough for the support you’ve given me this past year. I never imagined I would tell my story to the world, but never have I ever regretted it. I’m thankful everyday for the wonderful community I’ve immersed myself in. I don’t know what’s coming next for me as far as my career or location goes but I’m also not going to stress myself out about it. Whatever comes will come and I’ll be ready for it when it does. For now, I’m going to keep living this crazy, wonderful, beautiful life.