Category Archives: ED Recovery

Reasons to Recover

There are a thousand and one reasons to recover from an eating disorder. More than that, probably. One of the first things I did when I committed to recovery was make a list of reasons why I should recover. I sat in my bed with candles lit and mellow music in the background and scribbled out a list of everything I could think of in my journal. There’s a lot of reasons and I hope to talk about a lot of them as I continue to share on this blog- my hope is to share a new one every few weeks. They won’t be in any particular order- none are more or less important than the others. But right now, I want to share one in particular with you all.

So here is my first reason to recover that I want to share: being able ot eat out at restaurants without guilt. I love restaurants. I think eating out is such a small and delicious pleasure in life. I love going to restaurants with their perfectly set tables and their beautiful flatware and their tasty cocktail menus. I love a perfectly dressed salad, a wonderfully seasoned piece of meat, creamy polentas and risottos. I love the option of appetizers and desserts. I love breakfasts away from home. Omelettes, perfectly buttered toast and homemade french toast. I’m getting carried away but the bottom line is: I love food.

Buuuut…I hate food at the same time. Food has provided me with the biggest love/hate relationship of my whole life. I love food- how it tastes, how it looks, how it’s art within itself. But I hate food- for causing me anxiety, for never feeling like I deserve it, for the never ending guilt that I associate it with. And throw in the fact that I am a nutrition major and know much more about the scientific properties of food than any person should…well. It’s just complicated.

But recovery has flipped this whole thing upside down. I’m trying to go from a love/hate relationship to a love/love relationship. Which is hard. But kind of awesome.

I’ve been to a lot of restaurants throughout my recovery and while I love love love dining out, there’s been very few occasions where these outings didn’t totally consume me with guilt. Before recovery, eating out at restaurants meant being in very tight control of my intake and exercise for days before and after. It meant ordering whatever was “safest”. It meant saying no to dessert even if I wanted it.

But NOW. Now, my friends, things are different. Now eating out has no rules- it doesn’t take preparation. No extra workouts. No calorie counting. No restricting in preparation. Now, eating out is just that. It’s just a meal out. No strings attached. And how wonderfully freeing that feeling is.

Now I’m going to be totally honest: the first time I went out to dinner in recovery, it practically sent me back into a relapse. I was filled with anxiety before we even got to the restaurant. Despite how “free” I was, I felt ED screaming back at me to order the “safest” entree so that’s what I did. And I felt so guilty afterward, I felt sick to my stomach. This experience left my mind whirling- I felt like I had messed up my recovery. It turns out I didn’t mess it up- I just had a very normal, somewhat expected and entirely temporary fallback into my ED brain. I felt like I could do nothing but go home, curl up and go to sleep.

This weekend, exactly two weeks after that first experience, my partner and I went out to dinner once again. My ED brain was screaming at the top of her lungs last week so I was a bit nervous. When we first got to the restaurant, I went to the bathroom and made myself breathe and then said out loud to my reflection in the mirror “it’s not what you eat, it’s who you eat it with” (I’m a bit crazy I know). I went back to the table and quickly identified the safest entree on the menu- but that’s not what I ordered. I challenged myself to order something that I would have never even considered ordering before. Something that came cooked in loads of butter. Something that was delicious. We shared two appetizers before- and I can honestly say that I don’t think I have ever allowed myself to enjoy a cheese plate so thoroughly. At the end of the meal, we ordered Irish coffees, something which I’ve said I wanted to try for years but never had the courage to actually order.

 

Here’s the thing: this experience didn’t fill me with dread or shame or guilt. It didn’t make me want to cry and it didn’t make me embarrassed. It was so freeing to sit across from my partner and enjoy a meal with him. It was so nice to be able to carry on a conversation without adding calories in my head or sneaking my phone beneath the table to try to add them up. It was so nice to be present and not be caught up in the food or everything I have attached to it.

Dining out continues to confuse me- just yesterday morning, I went out to breakfast and I couldn’t decided if I wanted the safe food because I wanted it or because it was safe. I spent minutes antagonizing over the decision of what to order. I expect that this will continue to happen for awhile until I can repair my mind-body connection and be able to truly rely on my hunger cues.

The confusion is worth the freedom. I might not have had to deal with the confusion and the indecisiveness of ordering when I was stuck in my ED, but I was just that: stuck. I was trapped. I was trapped in a little prison I had made for myself and while it was cozy, it deprived me of so many of the beautiful things in this world. Like coffee with cream and  broiled fish in butter and white wine and pancakes and scallops wrapped in bacon. Things that may seem mundane and insignificant to other people that represent a HUGE win in my recovery.

Being able to eat out and enjoy not only the food, but being able to enjoy fully in the conversation and presence of the ones you’re with when you’re out to dinner is a beautiful, beautiful thing and in my opinion, one of many reasons to recover.

If you haven’t already done it, follow me on Instagram @sundaesforthesoul, Facebook at Sundaes for the Soul or Twitter at @sundaesforsoul (links above). I have heard from quite a few of you and I LOVE reading your comments and feedback so please keep it up! I love to talk about my journey and hear about yours. Sending you all strength and love this week!

Welcome to Sundaes for the Soul!

Welcome old! Welcome new! Welcome yellow! Welcome blue!

…I got carried away. But truly, welcome welcome welcome!

I am so excited to announce that my new blog is finally up and running! For those of you who followed me when I was posting at Coffee and Conundrums and have found your way here, thank you, thank you, thank you for continuing to follow me on this new platform and I hope you enjoy the changes I’ve made. For those of you who are just finding this site for the first time, hello and thanks for being here!

Like I mentioned, I was formerly blogging on a personal blog I had started, Coffee and Conundrums. However, after a few life altering events, I felt the need to change the direction of my blog to a place where I could share my eating disorder recovery journey as well as have a place to share some of the things in my life and in the world that I think are important. All my posts from Coffee and Conundrums have been added here so if you’re new, feel free to check them out and get to know me a little bit more.

Going forward, I have some new and very exciting ideas for this blog that I can’t wait to share for you all. For now, I encourage you to pop over to my “About Me” to get to know me a little bit better. I also encourage you to read “My Recovery Story”- an unfiltered and very raw depiction of my eating disorder battle that I’ve rarely shared with anyone. Sharing it makes me nervous and very vulnerable but I also feel that as someone who is sharing her recovery journey, it is important to share my own experience.

That’s all for now! If you were previously following me on Coffee and Conundrums through WordPress or by email, you will have to re-follow me since this is a new site. Sorry to make more work, but this is the only time I’ll make you do this, I promise! I invite you all to follow on my on my social media platforms:

Instagram: @sundaesforthesoul
Twitter: @sundaesforsoul
Facebook: Sundaes for the Soul

I invite and encourage you to email me with any questions, comments or even just a hello! You can reach me at [email protected]

Again, I welcome you to my page and thank you for following along with me on my journey!

The Terrifying and Amazing

Dear friends,

Have you ever been so inspired, so energized, so determined that you find it hard to put it into words? That is how I have felt the last couple weeks. I cannot quite describe it. I have so much I want to say, so many thoughts bouncing around in my head that I simply cannot organize them into coherent sentences. It’s a funny juxtaposition between immense creativity and tremendous writer’s block.

What I will say is this: I thought I was recovered from an eating disorder. I really, truly did. I thought I was there! I thought it had happened for real! And during a few heart-wrenching days of extreme clarity, I realized that I was fooling myself (and most everyone around me). The signs were all around me (and if you have a history of an eating disorder, please don’t read this as it is likely triggering). Signs like how I couldn’t take a day off from exercise without having a panic attack or crying. How I obsessed over calories and if a food is “healthy” or not. How I still had insane food rules like needing a certain plate to eat on or a certain utensil to eat with. When it took me a solid 2 minutes to decide which mug I wanted to drink my coffee out of in the morning (that’s in combination with my obsessive tendencies). When I found myself pinching my stomach 18 times a day to see how it feels. How I couldn’t walk past a mirror without looking at how my stomach looks. How I couldn’t eat certain foods unless it was at a specific time during the day. How my whole diet consisted of a very limited number of foods that I felt were “safe”.

It only took me 6 years to realize that these things are not normal. 

It only took me 6 years to realize that I was missing out on life. 

It only took me 6 years to realize that I am worthy of much more than I had ever given myself.

It only took me a year of “quasi-recovery” to realize that I was faking it. 

These are hard things for me to admit. They are things that I haven’t admitted to nearly anyone. These things are raw, they’re a wound that’s far from healing.

BUT.

Two weeks and three days ago, after discovering a method of recovery that actually made sense to me (more on this later), I committed to a full recovery. I have made a LOT of changes. Changes that terrify me. Changes that excite me (oh how I missed you, ice cream!) Changes I have to recommit myself to every day.

Piece by piece, I’m gaining back little parts of my life that I’ve lost. Day by day, I’m learning who I am without my eating disorder. Moment by moment, I’m reminding myself that I am worth real recovery. 

That being said, there are some changes in the works for both my blog and my Instagram page so there may be a bit of a pause in the next couple weeks as I work out the kinks. I can’t wait to hopefully share this journey with you all.

For now, I will share with you this little bit of wisdom that speaks to me so. Sending you all positive vibes and happy Tuesdays!

The Terrifying and Amazing

Dear friends,

Have you ever been so inspired, so energized, so determined that you find it hard to put it into words? That is how I have felt the last couple weeks. I cannot quite describe it. I have so much I want to say, so many thoughts bouncing around in my head that I simply cannot organize them into coherent sentences. It’s a funny juxtaposition between immense creativity and tremendous writer’s block.

What I will say is this: I thought I was recovered from an eating disorder. I really, truly did. I thought I was there! I thought it had happened for real! And during a few heart-wrenching days of extreme clarity, I realized that I was fooling myself (and most everyone around me). The signs were all around me (and if you have a history of an eating disorder, please don’t read this as it is likely triggering). Signs like how I couldn’t take a day off from exercise without having a panic attack or crying. How I obsessed over calories and if a food is “healthy” or not. How I still had insane food rules like needing a certain plate to eat on or a certain utensil to eat with. When it took me a solid 2 minutes to decide which mug I wanted to drink my coffee out of in the morning (that’s in combination with my obsessive tendencies). When I found myself pinching my stomach 18 times a day to see how it feels. How I couldn’t walk past a mirror without looking at how my stomach looks. How I couldn’t eat certain foods unless it was at a specific time during the day. How my whole diet consisted of a very limited number of foods that I felt were “safe”.

It only took me 6 years to realize that these things are not normal. 

It only took me 6 years to realize that I was missing out on life. 

It only took me 6 years to realize that I am worthy of much more than I had ever given myself.

It only took me a year of “quasi-recovery” to realize that I was faking it. 

These are hard things for me to admit. They are things that I haven’t admitted to nearly anyone. These things are raw, they’re a wound that’s far from healing.

BUT.

Two weeks and three days ago, after discovering a method of recovery that actually made sense to me (more on this later), I committed to a full recovery. I have made a LOT of changes. Changes that terrify me. Changes that excite me (oh how I missed you, ice cream!) Changes I have to recommit myself to every day.

Piece by piece, I’m gaining back little parts of my life that I’ve lost. Day by day, I’m learning who I am without my eating disorder. Moment by moment, I’m reminding myself that I am worth real recovery. 

That being said, there are some changes in the works for both my blog and my Instagram page so there may be a bit of a pause in the next couple weeks as I work out the kinks. I can’t wait to hopefully share this journey with you all.

For now, I will share with you this little bit of wisdom that speaks to me so. Sending you all positive vibes and happy Tuesdays!